Something that I’ve encountered over and over in my life is misinterpretations of my words or intentions.  I used to think this was because I wasn’t from the mainland US, but I’ve now seen how it’s not a mainland thing.  People misinterpret things communicated to them all the time.
One of my defining traits is I’m into personal and professional growth so I wanted to write down and learn from an argument I got into recently with a friend.  

Over dinner my friend shushed me because she was upset that I said “I’m going to put that one in the vault” meaning I would remember this moment.   The moment was amusing to me because we both talked or referenced a specific food on the table and we interpreted it differently.  I’m a very independent person so being shushed didn’t sit well with me (this caused the argument).  I don’t like anyone to dictate when or where it’s appropriate for me to talk/speak.  I’m not a child and I refuse to be treated as a child.  Unfortunately she interpreted my “I’m going to put that one in the vault” to mean that I was going to remember something she said and make fun of her at a later time. 

One of the reasons she formed this thought is because the previous evening she had said that “you don’t want something if you’re unwilling to pay for it” in this case referring to sports and/or ESPN programming on TV.  The next morning after her “you don’t want something if you’re unwilling to pay for it” comment when I’d had time to think about the logic of that statement it hit me how deeply flawed it was or could be.  I decided to point out some flaws of her statement by making a joke out of how they’d received an expensive wine cooler for free and that they wouldn’t have purchased it otherwise.  During that time period I had also stated that “I was going to put that one in the vault” which I’m assuming she interpreted as something I would remember and make fun of her.  My wife pointed out to me that my snarky comment could’ve been seen as giving her a hard time.  That’s exactly how it was intended as I thought she was giving us a hard time with the “you don’t want something if you’re unwilling to pay for it” comment the previous night.  My philosophy on giving shit is you should be able to take it in return.  

Although I can see her point of view, it doesn’t make sense to me why she would think that my intentions were malicious.  By malicious I mean that she believed I would use her words to make fun of her as a person.  That her words would be used to mock her and/or make her feel dumb.  When I’m around my close friends I generally take liberties with what I say expecting to be given leeway as to good intentions.  To me these thoughts make me realize that the person doesn’t know me very well or they would have interpreted (or at least asked questions to interpret) what I was saying differently.

It also makes me question why a person who would think this of me would choose to share their time with me out of politeness or courtesy.  If the situation was reversed I would not extend the same courtesy.  I would bring to the person’s attention the reasons why I refuse to spend any of my time with them.  This may seem or be uncourteous, but my philosophy is to give people an opportunity to grow/change.  

I find certain moments, sayings, expressions, and the way things are said in life very amusing.  I like to remember those moments and bring them up later in time so we can all laugh and enjoy these moments together.  I don’t believe that a person’s thoughts, words, or moments in life define who they are as people.  In other words just because I say something silly or dumb does not mean that I am a silly or dumb person.  I try very hard to never pass judgement or make fun of people.  I believe making fun of others is cruel and most likely an insecurity of the instigator.  Unfortunately my words failed me because I wasn’t able to convey my intentions or values.  

This experience makes me think that I need to be more conscious of what I say around people that don’t know me.  The issue with this thought is that it doesn’t match up with who I am or how I live my life.  I’ve had several discussions with my wife about the difference between being nice and kind.  The best answer we’ve come up with is that being nice doesn’t have to be genuine.  It’s a lot easier to be fake nice than to be fake kind.  I’ve never been a nice person, but I do think I’m kind.  I always have the best of intentions with the people I interact with, otherwise I wouldn’t interact with them.

Life’s too short to care what other people think of you.  Growing up in my family and in a Puerto Rican culture means you are brutally honest and you say whatever is on your mind without fear of being politically correct.  Being brutally honest is harder to do (or get used to) but in my opinion is healthier than just never talking about it.  Or even worse talking about someone behind their back.

I constantly battle with being misinterpreted by others.  I’ve decided to make a more concerted effort to state my intentions.  The intention with stating my intentions is to take responsibility for what I hope will happen and be clear about the conversation goals.  I’m hoping that stating my intentions can build positivity, collaboration, and trust.

This will require a significant amount of effort from me (especially if there’s alcohol involved) but here are questions I can ask myself before blurting out my thoughts:

  • What is important about what I want to say?
  • Why is it important to me?
  • What do I need from this person?
  • What do I hope to get by having the conversation? (Love, understanding, collaboration, cooperation, connection, knowledge, etc..)

Hopefully this will help me set a positive tone in many of my future conversations.